Bunnies, Masks, and Contact Lenses
by Pacifist Yaoi Shipper
Summary: What do bunnies, magical masks, and contacts have in common? That's what Naruto wants to know. And, boy, is he gonna find out that they mean the DOOM of the world! NaruHina, SasuOC, LeeSaku, and slight NejiTen.
1. The Hyuuga Scandal

Title: Bunnies, Masks & Contact Lenses

Genre: Humor/Romance/Action/Parody

SUMMARY: What do bunnies, magical masks, and contacts have in common? That's what Naruto wants to know. And, boy, is he gonna find out that they mean the DOOM of the world!

Pairings: NaruHina, SasuOC, LeeSaku, and slight NejiTen.

* * *

Chapter One: "The Hyuuga Scandal"  
"NEJI! Something HUGE is going on!" Naruto Uzumaki raced down the hallways of the Hyuuga complex until he burst into Neji's room. "STOP! Don't move!" Naruto was greeted by the sight of Neji and his cousin Hinata crawling on the floor, digging their hands through the carpet. "He-Hello, N-n-naruto," Hinata began, blushing and stuttering. "I w-was just helping N-neji look for his... contact l-l-lens." Naruto cocked his head to the side and said confusedly, "Wait a second. Neji Hyuuga, genius of his clan and Byakugan master, wears... contact lenses" "Well, duh. I am destined to wear contacts because I look stupid in glasses." "Oh... Anyways, I heard evil psycho bunny rabbits are gonna invade on Wednesday! I heard 'em plotting at Ichiraku Noodle Shop while I was eating ramen! Believe it!" Naruto punched the air. "It is our destiny to be ruled over by rodents then?" "You could put it that way, yeah." "Ahh." Neji stood up and walked out the door, knocking into the doorframe, Hinata, and Naruto in the process. "C'mon, Hinata, let's tell everyone about the bunny invasion!" Naruto grabbed Hinata's wrist and led her out of the room. Hinata's face was turning an interesting shade of fuchsia. 


	2. The Contact Salesman

Chapter Two: "The Contact Salesman"

"Ouch... Yaoi...Ow..." Sasuke Uchiha had a problem. He could not see. So Sasuke went looking for a contact salesman. Neji walked by. "Orochimaru's selling contact lenses over there," he said, spinning the disoriented and confused Sasuke around and gave him a push in the right direction. "I need contact lenses," said Sasuke to Orochimaru. "You'll owe me then... Even more than you do now..." hissed the contact lens salesmen venomously. "Whatever. Just give me my contact lens." Sasuke held out his hands, and the evil-sannin-turned-contact-lens-salesman-but-still-evil-sannin dropped the precious lenses into the Uchiha's hands. Suddenly, Rock Lee hobbled by on a crutch muttering something about Gaara and pins. And nobody thought that was strange. Said Sand Village ninja had been feeling strange needle-pricks all day. At one point, he had even started _bleeding_. Temari and Kankuro were still crying on the floor in the fetal position from the trauma of seeing him bleed. At the same time, Kakashi-sensei was humming, "I Will Survive" and digging through his closet. "No...no...not it... Ahh! Here's the tutu that Neji wanted to borrow. He said something about rabbits, destiny, and ballet." Suddenly, Naruto bolted past. "What the heck?!?!" "Sorry, sensei, but I think Hinata's gone psycho. Some girl on the street started flirting with me, and Hinata's eyes turned red and she attacked the girl, so I ran away. Believe it!" Hinata ran in, her eyes back to normal, and her face the color of a tomato. "N-n-n-naruto, I-I d-d-d-didn't mean t-to f-f-f—" Hinata was interrupted by a large balloon-shaped bird swooping down from the sky and flying off with her. An old woman appeared and said to the confused, blond, genin, "Young Naruto, you must rescue Hinata. But you must do this wearing tights, a green tunic, and a floppy green hat; while wielding a sword. You have three days to do this, else Majora-Haku and his lieutenant, Ino, will send a giant piece of bacon crashing down upon this land whilst invading it with bunnies. Dost thou accept this task?" "Will it make me better than Sasuke?" "Yeah, sure, whatever. Just put on the damn dress and go to the Temple of Naruto. This will be your first test." "Oh yeah! Believe it!" And so begins: The Legend of Hinata: Haku's Mask.


	3. The First Temple, and a Companion

Chapter Three: "The First Temple, And a Companion."

Naruto began right away. After all, any endeavor that would make him better than Sasuke was worth doing without delay. When he reached the Naruto Temple (he seemed not to notice "hey! That's my name!"), he met a tall girl sitting outside of the large building with two flutes in her hands. "Uhm..." "Hello, Naruto Uzumaki. I have been expecting you. Take this Flute of Secrets. It will aid you on your quest. That is your destiny. My name is Hikari. I am fated to be your companion." Hikari was very pretty. She had long dark hair, pale grey eyes, and wore a ribbon around her forehead. The way she talked about destiny reminded Naruto of someone, but he couldn't remember who. "O...k..." Naruto, to be completely honest, was confused. "Good. Now, we must enter the Temple. Beware, for frightening things lie ahead. Be prepared to scream like a wussy little girl." Hikari pushed open the door. Naruto entered the Temple, only to be greeted by a room filled with pictures and statues of himself. His eyes opened wide in terror, he walked to the next door. It was barred by a lock that needed a voice password. Naruto sat, deep in thought. He jumped up and shouted, "I'm gonna bust through this door! Believe it!" And the door creaked open. Hikari and Naruto walked through in amazement. In this room stood a pedestal. On the pedestal was a sword. Hikari gasped, "The fabled Not-Hero's Sword! I've never even seen it!" "So I take the sword?" "Yeah."

To be continued...


	4. Sakura's Temple, Naruto Loses His Mind

Chapter Four: "Sakura's Temple; Naruto Loses His Mind."

"The next temple is even worse, Naruto. The only way you'll live is if you find the Waffle-Wangst Arrows of Doom while there. And if you live, you'll probably lose your mind," Hikari told Naruto as the walked to the next temple. "Well... I have this! It's pointy! And shiny! Believe it!" Naruto swung the Not-Hero's Sword around and lopped off the head of a passing old man. And no one cared. Hikari rolled her eyes. "I forgot to tell you that the temples have stages. Hinata was the sage of the last one. Lee is the sage of the next one. Be afraid. Gai-sensei is the one guarding the Temple." Naruto raised an eyebrow and opened the temple door, which they had reached while Hikari was talking. He found his eyes burning as he picked his lower jaw off the ground, reattaching it to his face. Hikari walked through calmly and stood at the door to the next room, her face the picture of serenity. "Come on, Naruto. Do I have to go all Hyuga on your arse?" (A/N: This means, basically, "go and kick your arse.") Naruto moved slowly through the room, staring at the pictures of Sakura. For this was the Sakura Temple, in which Lee worshipped Sakura. The two companions passed through the unlocked door to the next room. There they found pictures of Sakura's, erm, extremities, when she was... um... ungarbed. In the nearest corner, Sasuke was curled up in a ball. "Make the bad pictures go away, Mama... I'll be a good boy... Won't kill big brother... JUST MAKE THE BAD PICTURES GO AWAY!" His voice, beginning in a soft whimper, rose to the wailing shriek of a banshee. Hikari was glad she had taken out her contact lenses before entering this room. "Naruto, come. Leave the wailing boy and finish the temple." "Lee's a pervert. Lee's a pervert. Lee is a pervert." Naruto repeated himself, well, repeatedly. "We have already established this fact. Come now, on to the next room." Hikari moved towards the door. "Ahhh!" She was stopped by the uprising of two skeletal monsters. "Gotta get by hic us hic first, missy hic. Got orders hic from the hic sage's sensei hic," one of the monsters slurred drunkenly and stumbled toward her. She flicked its skull and inquired, "Are you... drunk?!?!" "Yope. I'm not as think as you drunk I am... hic" Naruto, finally noticing his companion was in possible danger, came over and killed the drunk monsters easily. Suddenly, there was a great flash and a chest appeared in the middle of the room. Naruto walked over to it and opened the ornately carved lid. Inside were the Waffle-Wangst Arrows of Doom and Big Key he needed. He reached for them, and strange background music began to play. Naruto recoiled, and reached again. The weird music returned. He tried a total of 111,111,111,111,111,111,111 times, but the music still returned. (A/N: By the way, that number is read: One hundred eleven quintillion, One hundred eleven quadrillion, One hundred eleven trillion, One hundred eleven billion, One hundred eleven million, One hundred eleven thousand, and One hundred eleven.) Naruto was a tad upset, Hikari was asleep, and Sasuke was still in the corner. It scared Naruto that the last Uchiha could so easily be reduced to tears. He'd have to try it sometime. "All right... Who... is playing... that annoying... music!!" Naruto yelled. In answer, a curtain to his left rose, exposing a boy with dark hair and brown eyes with a violin beneath his chin. "You don't like it?... Fine. I'll stop." The boy pouted and passed through the wall, into the next room. Naruto picked up the arrows and key, unlocked the door, and woke up Hikari. They were about to move on, but Sasuke sprang up and ran over to them. "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!" Sasuke was hanging onto the front of Naruto's dress cough-- I mean tunic—looking terrified and desperate. Naruto looked at Hikari. Hikari looked at Naruto. "Okay. We'll bring him along," was the silent conclusion they came to. And so, with the traumatized Uchiha in tow, Naruto Uzumaki and Hikari passed into the final room.

(A/N: Warning: Gaara and Lee get tortured here. I'm sorry, Lee.)

If you thought the last room was scary, this room will scare you right out of your pants. Inside this room, Gai-sensei stood, unmoving, hypnotized by the power of Majora-Haku. In a cage in a corner, chained to a cot, was the former Taijutsu master known as Rock Lee. He was laughing as he stuck a voodoo doll of Gaara full of pins and watched him bleed. Gaara was in another corner, bleeding and writhing in pain. Gaara was, to put it mildly, upset. Then he snapped. He called on his sand, sent it at Lee, and used Sand Coffin. Lee screamed, Gai attacked Naruto, Hikari stood there confused, and the Ever-present Omniscient All-Knowing Narrator of DOOM, a.k.a. me, smote Gaara with lightning. Gaara died, Hikari was confused still, Lee was in pain, and EOAKNOD (Ever-present Omniscient All-Knowing Narrator of DOOM) cried. Naruto and Gai were still fighting. Naruto was losing. Badly. Lee disappeared in a bright flash that disoriented Gai. But Naruto was still losing. "The arrows! Naruto, the arrows!" Hikari yelled as Gai danced away. Naruto threw one arrow at Gai. Gai ate the arrow, the arrow blew up, and Gai 'sploded. "Yay! Naruto! You beat your first boss! And Gaara's dead!" "Yeah! Believe it!"


	5. The Sasuke Temple, Need I Say More?

Chapter Five: "The Sasuke Temple; Need I Say More?"

Naruto, Hikari, and Sasuke were headed for the third (and last) temple. Naruto was tired, Hikari was grinning evilly, and Sasuke was timidly hiding behind Naruto. When they reached the Temple, Hikari stopped and said, "Sasuke. Naruto. We have to split into two groups. Which of you will go alone?" Sasuke shook his head frantically, making "kill me first" motions on his neck. Naruto, however, punched the air and said, "I will! Believe it!" "All right. Hikari shrunk down to about three inches high and sprouted wings. Then she fluttered up onto Sasuke's shoulder. "Let's go!"  
3 Hours Later...  
Naruto moved stealthily into the last room. He had acquired the Shield of Reflecting Monstrous Pieces of Monstrous Bacon Hell-Bent on Crashing into the World, defeated enemies twice his size, seen traumatizing pictures of Sasuke Uchiha, solved mind-bending puzzles, and screamed like a wuss. Now it came to the last room before the Boss Room, and Naruto was ready. Meanwhile, Sasuke was himself again, and he wanted to kill something. Namely, Hikari. Hikari was yapping, "Hey! Look! Listen! Z-target!" endlessly and Sasuke was on the verge of mania. He plucked the fairy-girl out of the air and applied pressure to her fragile windpipe. "Shut. Up. Or. I. Will. Kill. You." "Ok... I'm sorry, Sasuke." She lowered her eyes and clasped her hands behind her back in a gesture of shame. Sasuke let go of her neck and the two continued onward. Ten minutes, some monsters, and several injuries later, they came to the room right before the boss room. They found Naruto and thirteen of his clones banging their heads against the walls. The last Uchiha just smirked at the blond. "Loser," he uttered, and pushed the door open. "HEY! How did you do that?! I thought there was a Big Key?!?!" Naruto was amazed. "Exactly. You thought there'd be a key or something. So, I did the one thing I knew you wouldn't have tried," Sasuke said mockingly, "A loser like you wouldn't think to try the door before looking for a key." "BOYS! Time to beat the Temple Guardian!" Hikari screeched as menacingly as a three-inch-high fairy could. And so, Sasuke, Naruto, and Hikari went through to the... dunh Dunh DUH! Boss Room! A menacing, hooded figure stood in the center of the dark chamber "You have defiled the sacred floors of this Temple... For that, you must pay!" The figure lowered its hood to reveal Haruno Sakura, she whom is most psycho-obsessed amongst Sasuke worshippers. Sasuke, still traumatized from the Sakura Temple, cowered behind Naruto. But it was too late... Sakura screeched, "MINE!!!" and dove at the boys as Hikari swooped and yanked at her hair. Naruto blocked the orbs of pink magic (huh?) that Sakura was hurling at him with the Shield of Reflecting Monstrous Pieces of Monstrous Bacon Hell-Bent on Crashing into the World. This went on for a couple of hours and then Sakura backed off and said, "Ok. I'm done, you win." "Sure." And with that, the three companions left the Temple.


	6. Haku's Place, Ino Appears!

Chapter Six: "Haku's Place; Ino Appears!"

Hikari (who had returned to normal size), Naruto, and Sasuke walked into a library.

Hikari asked the ancient and frail librarian (whose name was Aiyani), "Excuse me, ma'am, but where would we go to find the Lair of Majora-Haku?"

Naruto was attracting some unwelcome stares because, as has been stated elsewhere in the tale, he was wearing what appeared to be a green mini-dress.

"Ov...er...by...the...Chil...dren...'s...Sect...ion." The old woman pointed towards the sign that read: "EVIL MASTERMASK'S LAIR! DO NOT ENTER!" before she dropped dead of exertion.

Naruto ran over to the sign, drew his sword, and hacked it to pieces, shouting, "I'm gonna get you, Haku! Believe it!!!!"

"Loser." Sasuke walked through the doorway next to the sign, Hikari following close behind him.

Naruto stood there for a while, and then he realized he was supposed to go through the door. "Oh. Hey guys! Wait up! Believe it!"

About halfway through a maze of labyrinths that led to Haku, just after being attacked by ravenous chickens and numerous utterances of "Loser," by Sasuke, everything went dark.

A spotlight shone down, and a wave of long, pale-blond hair could be seen. "Presenting... Ino! Prettiest genin in the whole leaf village!"

Ino caught sight of Sasuke, flying-tackle-hugged him, and started kissing him.

Sakura appeared, went totally insane when she caught sight of Ino on Sasuke, and attempted to make out with Naruto.

Hinata's Uh-Oh-Naruto-is-Being-Flirted-With-(or-Worse)-senses were tingling. She jutsued out of her bonds and appeared next to Sakura, her eyes the color of rubies. She bitch-slapped Sakura, who hit her back, and a fight broke out.

Naruto just sort of stood there confused until Jiraiya appeared and said, "I wonder if they'll rip each other's clothes off?"

"Any bets on what Hinata'll do to Sakura?" A short, slightly thick-set blonde girl appeared in a sudden burst of Lotus petals. "W-w-what?! Is Ino-pig trying to... make out with... Sasuke?!"

"Fifty and a bowl of ramen that Hinata beats the pulp out of Sakura," said Naruto.'

"I'll raise you a bottle of sake." Jiraiya held up the drink.

"You're on! Believe it!"

Meanwhile, Sasuke was trying to get Ino off him. He succeeded and walked out of the maze, Ino clinging to his ankle.

Hinata decided she'd had enough of fighting Sakura, flying-hug-tackled Naruto, and began kissing him.

Jiraiya looked at the blond girl and said, "Dang. What do I owe you now, Din?"

"Hm... Let's see... Three bottles of sake, ten bowls of rice, a couple pictures of Rock Lee, a free dinner at Ichiraku, a copy of your next book, and three grand.

"Oh," Jiraiya sighed, "I've only got one bottle of sake and one grand right now."

"Good enough."


	7. Haku's Wrath

Chapter Seven:

"Haku's Wrath."

Jiraiya and Hikari watched with absolutely no interest as Hinata pinned Naruto to the wall. Din had left before, saying something about different uses for lotus petals.

Haku, meanwhile, discovered his captive was loose, and, in his fury, found our motley group of sannin, fairy-girl, genin-in-a-dress, and aforesaid captive in the midst of his Collapse-A-Labyrinth ™. He decided to attack.

"Mwahahahaha! Hero, you have done well—Hey! The Hero doesn't get the girl until after he defeats me!" Haku pouted and stood with his hands on his hips.

Naruto, of course, was a bit preoccupied what with such important matters as what to do with his nose, and heard none of this rant.

Hikari piped up with, "Uhm... Haku, he's kinda busy, but I will yank Hinata off of him if I must. Me and Jiraiya were starting to place bets on when she'll break for air."

"Neji..." whispered Haku menacingly, sending spirals of power at Hikari.

And so it was revealed that Hikari was really Neji cross-dressing.

"Wait a tick. Did you say gambling? I'm in!"

Jiraiya said, "I'll wager... that they'll break in three and a half minutes. If I lose, I'll dress up as a girl and start running around Konoha, throwing women's undergarments at every man I pass."

"I'll wager one hundred that it'll be half and hour." Haku seemed very sure about this.

"Kakashi's tutu that it's longer than that!" Neji gave the thumbs-up sign.

The three men sat and waited. And waited. And waited some more. And guess what? The waited some more!

After about two hours, Hinata broke for air, realized what she'd just done, turned technicolor shades of red, pink, and purple, and fainted dead away.

Naruto stood there against the wall, smiling like an idiot until he saw Haku.

Haku was handing the money over to a smug looking Neji when he was promptly run through by the Not-Hero's Sword. "Oww."

Suddenly, the whole lair began to collapse. Naruto scooped Hinata up into his arms (Sakura had long ago regained her senses and fled home for a long, cold shower), and everyone ran out, except for Haku, who was dead.


	8. Heavy Metal?

Chapter Eight:

"Heavy Metal?!!?"

Naruto, Neji, Sasuke, and Lee were sitting in Ichiraku Noodle Shop discussing the downfall of Haku and what happened immediately after.

"Ino was attached to my pant leg until I went to bed. Then she stole my pants and left four tickets to that new, all-girl heavy metal band, Dark Side of Konoha." Sasuke flicked the tickets up at the other three boys. "They're also backstage passes."

"Splendid! I am in!" Lee flashed the trademark, "I-could-be-a-spokesperson-for-a-toothpaste-company" smile.

The other two gave Lee looks that clearly stated, "WT?! You listen to metal?" and said in unison, "Whatever."

About three hours later, the four genin sat in their seats, waiting for the concert to start.

The lights went out, smoke filled the arena, an electric guitar strummed three times, and four girls rose up onto the stage. One had short black hair, her face was covered in war-paint, and she was holding a microphone. Another one had short pink hair streaked with black and had a guitar in her hands.. A third, on keyboard, had long, dark hair and Hyuuga eyes. The last had brown hair up in two buns and was on the drums.

The one thing they all had in common was that they all wore black, ripped leather, fishnet stockings, chains, and heavy eyeliner.

They sang the songs "Poison" (It was dedicated to Sasuke, strangely enough), "Basketcase" (dedicated to Lee, whom was Konoha's biggest Basketcase), and "Lips Like Morphine" (dedicated to Naruto).

Then, the pink-haired guitarist took the mike, and said, "Surely you must be wondering who the hell we are? Here, on drums, Tenten of Team Gai! Over on the keyboard is Hikari Hyuuga!"

At this point, Naruto and Sasuke looked at Neji and said, in unison, "THAT'S THE REAL HIKARI?!?!"

The pink-haired guitarist said, "On vocals we have Hinata Hyuuga! And I'm Sakura Haruno, guitarist!"

Now I must tell you that each boy was staring at a different girl. Lee was humming the refrain of "Excuse my French," Sasuke's hormones were losing control, Naruto muttered "Damn," and Neji was in shock.

Later on, the boys went backstage. They saw the girls, and Sasuke's tentative control of his hormones snapped. He slammed Hikari into the wall. Meanwhile, Naruto was blushing at Hinata, who was blushing at him. Neji grabbed Tenten's wrist and led her out of the room.

And that left Lee and Sakura. Lee was blushing worse than Naruto and Hinata combined, and Sakura was glaring at Sasuke and the real Hikari. If looks could kill, this would be a massacre.

Lee moved towards Sakura, tapped 'er on the shoulder, and said, "Well... this is... awkward..."

Sakura blushed the exact same shade of pink as her hair, and nodded almost imperceptibly.

No one knows exactly how the Sasuke fangirl and the Taijutsu specialist ended up on the nearby table, kissing passionately. But nevertheless, that is how they ended up.


	9. WTF? A BUNNY INVASION!

Chapter Nine:

"WTF? A BUNNY INVASION?!"

The next day was Tuesday. Everyone was running around, preparing for the bunny invasion. It was scheduled for the next day. Neji was sparring Kakashi, who was reading.

Kakashi had his back to Neji. Neji used his Byakugan and accidentally saw what Kakashi was reading.

"Aaaahh! Bleach! Bleach for my brain!" Neji ran in ever-decreasing circles. He stopped. "Wait, how did they find out what Hikari and Sasuke were doing last night in the basement?"

"Jiraiya has his sources. Well, speak of the sannin, and so he shall appear. In a dress, followed by an angry mob of towel-clad females."

And so it was. Jiraiya was indeed being chased by an angry mob, Tenten, Ino, Hikari, and Sakura included.

Lee was standing not ten feet away, looking distinctly ruffled, having been run over by said mob.

Everything was as it should be. Neji was traumatized, Jiraiya was making good on his bet, and so-on and so-forth.

Then, the bunnies attacked. But first they had lunch. And would ya believe it? They're all allergic to vegetables.

The battle began. It went well. Lee and Sakura fought back to back. Then, several knives were hurled at Lee. Sakura jumped in front of him, taking the hit and dying instantaneously, murmuring, "Until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you..."

Lee hit his knees, cradling his girlfriend in his arms. "No..."

Nearby, Din was fighting her way through the HORDE over to where she saw Lee in immediate danger. Gaara, having been resurrected by Temari, was standing over Lee, a knife poised over his back. Gaara turned his head to Din, leered at her, and stabbed Lee in the back.

Din screamed as Lee collapsed over the corpse he was holding, now a lifeless corpse himself. She rushed over to the place where Gaara stood, looking psychotically pleased with himself.

"Gaara... do you, by any chance, have any inkling of how much I despise you?" she asked sweetly. She drew her kunai.

Gaara sent his sand at Din. She walked right through! She walked up to Gaara, calmly as could be. Gaara watched helplessly as Din performed three hand signs. Gaara felt like he was on fire.

"This jutsu, of my own creation, will keep you alive as long as you feel the pain-burning. The pain will last as long as you're alive." Din smiled wickedly as Gaara stared at her, turned, and ran off, doomed to an eternity of agony.

As soon as he was out of sight, Din sank to her knees, pulling Lee's corpse into her lap, and began to weep.

The violinist from the Sakura Temple shimmered into existence and began playing "ZOmG-the-awesome-dude-lyk-Died!!!" music. That is, he played until a bunny broke his violin.

"You... BROKE MY VIOLIN!!!" He went on a murderous psychotic rampage and killed all the bunnies.

Everyone started celebrating. Except Din, who screamed, "WHY IS EVERY—BEEP—ONE OF YOU BEEPING CELEBRATING?! LEE BEEPING DIED BEEPING IDIOTIC series of BEEPs!!!!!

And everyone LIVED

Happily Ever After,

Except Din, Lee,

Sakura, the Violinist,

Jiraiya, and Gaara.

The End.

Author's Note: Yay! My first finished multi-chapter fic! Whoopie! Cast Party at Ichiraku's!


End file.
